Hesitation
by RomioneIsLife
Summary: The war is over and Hermione finds herself feeling guilty that she survived. As much as she wants to feel happiness, she believes that due to the circumstances, anything enjoyable is selfish. She needs someone to show her how to keep living, despite their loss.


Author's Note- I wrote this piece as an alternate to the one-shot I posted called "Being Alive". But I wanted to expand on this idea, so thus "Hesitation" was created! Some scenes are sort of "roughly" written and edited but I hope you enjoy!

It seemed like a dream. A dream filled with euphoric yet melancholy feelings. So many people were gone; ripped from the lives of their loved ones. But Voldemort was gone too. Peace could finally settle itself around the Wizarding World. Everyone would mourn, and no one would entirely get over their losses. But happiness would come. Everyone knew it. The war had ended that morning. Voldemort had been destroyed mere hours before. But now, the Golden Trio lay by the lake, the sun setting in front of them. They were propped up on their elbows soaking in the silence. Harry was the first to speak.

"I feel like we're going to wake up in a tent any second and be right back where we started," he said eyes on the glistening surface of the lake.

Ron groaned, "Don't say that mate."

"It's over… it's all over. I can't wrap my head around it," Harry pondered.

"Neither can I," Hermione spoke up. She joined Harry and Ron, moving from her position lying down and propping herself up on her elbows. "It's quite odd actually. I was convinced that none of us would even make it out alive. And here we are… I don't know where we go from here…," Hermione trailed off. Just then footsteps approached behind them, Ginny plopped down next to Hermione and hugged her knees to her chest.

"You three look a right mess," she stated.

"Thanks Gin, you look great too," Ron said.

"Oh shut it. Mum says the first thing she's going to do is give you all haircuts," Ginny tugged on a strand of Hermione's wild hair. The four of them lapsed into silence. Hermione laughed. Then they were all laughing.

"Look at Harry's hair," Ginny exclaimed, reaching across Hermione to pull on a piece of his nearly shoulder length hair. Her fingers brushed his face and they both stopped laughing. Ginny pulled her hand back by her side, her eyes wide.

"What you aren't back together?" Hermione scoffed. Ginny blushed and looked embarrassed for a split second then she retaliated.

"Have you and Ron discussed your big, dramatic, life or death kiss yet?" Ginny smirked. Hermione side-glanced at Ron and he was staring at her. They met each other's eyes and both looked down and blushed.

Ginny let out a bark of laughter, "I'll take that as a no. Here we go again, back to your old ways. When will you two learn to…," Ginny got cut off.

"Ginny! You three, come on… we've got to get back to the house. We can't stay here all night," Mr. Weasley yelled from behind them. The four of them walked towards the large group of Weasley's to apparate to the Burrow.

As soon as they got to the house, everyone retreated to their rooms. Hermione followed Ginny to her bedroom. She plopped down on the cot and kicked off her worn shoes. She tugged off her jean jacket and peered at the material. It was caked with dirt and burn marks. The sight of it made her proud yet sad. There was an empty feeling in her stomach. She knew what would fill it. Ron. She thought of him, sitting up in his room with Harry. Probably indulging in chocolate frogs and taking in his Chudley Cannons filled room with a little boys' giddiness. Hermione smiled to herself and tried to push away the burning behind her eyes. It wasn't right to be so happy about living when so many people had lost their lives. It wasn't right that she was alive. She shouldn't be alive. Hermione wouldn't allow herself to be swallowed by jubilance that she had kissed Ron and he had kissed her back. She couldn't feel that way. Not while Fred was gone and the Wizarding World mourned. She couldn't be happy… not after this. It didn't feel right.

"Oh quit brooding Hermione. If you're thinking about Ron… just go see him. You kissed HIM! You finally crossed that line and I really just do NOT understand why you're not together yet."

"Ginny, I never thought about what would happen after the war. I never planned it out. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Hermione… that's the thing, you don't have to know what you're doing. Just do it."

Ginny tugged the covers over herself and sighed. "I'm talking to Harry first thing tomorrow. So you should talk to Ron."

"Goodnight Ginny," Hermione said softly.

The next morning Hermione woke up in a state of shock. Her eyes snapped open. She wasn't in the tent, and Harry and Ron weren't there. Hermione was filled with pure terror for about 30 seconds until she realized that she was in Ginny's room. Her arm stung. She yanked up her sleeve to look at the place where "mudblood" was scrawled on her arm. It looked slightly irritated but nothing to be worried about. Then she remembered the dream. She had been in Malfoy Manor again, but Ron hadn't saved her. She couldn't hear his yells and she had given up. She shuddered. Ginny stared at her sadly from where she sat on the edge of her bed.

"Hermione you screamed a lot last night," Ginny spoke up, her voice scratchy. I had to put a silencing charm on the room." She swallowed thickly.

"Oh Ginny I'm so sorry! Did I keep you up? You can sleep now you know. I won't go back to sleep…what time is it anyways?"

"Hermione… don't apologize," Ginny looked broken hearted. "It's about noon. I'll go back to sleep. You should go eat. My mum came in earlier and I told her about your screaming. She's making a dreamless sleep potion for you, okay?"

Hermione nodded. "Thanks Gin. Go back to sleep okay? I'll tell no one to bother you."

Hermione left the room and closed the door behind her softly. She walked downstairs to the kitchen. Mrs. Weasley stood by the counter, stirring a pot of bubbling liquid with her wand. A broom was sweeping up black and orange clippings of hair.

"Oh Hermione dear," Mrs. Weasley looked at her, smiling weakly.

"Hello Mrs. Weasley," Hermione smiled. "Thank you for making the dreamless sleep potion. You look like you've been busy." Hermione gestured to the hair being swept into the garbage pail.

"OH! Yes, you're next sweetie. Sit, sit." Mrs. Weasley pushed Hermione down in a kitchen chair and angled the faucet over her head. Hermione leaned her head against the counter so her hair was dangling into the sink. Mrs. Weasley used her wand to wash and condition Hermione's hair. She also added numerous other taming lotions before Hermione was able to sit up. For about 10 minutes, the only noise that was heard was the clipping of scissors as Mrs. Weasley chopped at Hermione's hair. As she used her wand to dry sections of her head, suddenly the door burst open. Laughter and bustling filled the first floor of the house.

"Looks like the boys are finished with their Quidditch game. BOYS, be quiet! Ginny didn't get any sleep last night so she's still sleeping!" Mrs. Weasley barked. Hermione ran her hands through her considerably shorter hair. Mrs. Weasley handed her a mirror and set the broom to sweeping up the curls that were piled on the floor. Her hair was now just under shoulder length and had no knots. It looked lighter and healthier than it had been in months. Mrs. Weasley shoved a plate in her hands of cheese, bread, and soup.

"Thank you so much," Hermione began.

"Oh shush- eat up," Mrs. Weasley said, turning to the doorway that the voices were coming from.

"Why did Ginny get no sleep?" Hermione heard Harry ask Mrs. Weasley in the other room.

"Yeah usually Ginny sleeps like a baby," Ron spoke up.

Hermione could barely pick up what Mrs. Weasley said to them.

"Er- Hermione kind of kept Ginny up… screaming in her sleep," she trailed off. Hermione swallowed thickly and stared down at her soup. She hoped to god that no one would come into the kitchen. As she finished her food, she propped her dishes into the sink which automatically started washing them. Hermione walked out into the sitting room. She was met with the gazes of Harry, Ron, Charlie, Bill, Fleur, and Percy.

"Well, it's time we go isn't it Fleur?" Bill clucked his tongue and stood up, pulling Fleur by her elbow.

"Oh- yes it is. Uh…" Fleur looked over at Hermione hesitantly as if she wanted to say something. "Hermione your hair looks MUCH better," Fleur said half-heartedly.

"Thanks," she replied, absentmindedly running a hand through her curls. Fleur nodded and smiled before following Bill out the front door.

"I should really be going as well," Percy said. "I need to get back to my flat." Percy grinned at Hermione widely and walked out the front door. "Be back soon!"

Charlie looked uncomfortable, "I've really got nowhere else to be," he said awkwardly.

Hermione pressed her lips together.

"Don't leave because of me," she said shortly and made her way to the stairs. "I'll be going now."

Hermione ran into Ginny on the first landing.

"The awkward- it burns," Ginny said to her, smirking and holding an extendable ear.

"Shut up," Hermione whispered. "Your mum told them that I had screaming nightmares. It's bound to be awkward now. They all pity me," she sighed.

"No they don't. I bet half of them had nightmares last night too. I know I did. Just… none of them had screaming ones. Hermione- what was your nightmare exactly?"

"I- I'm not sure that I should tell you," she said, biting her lower lip.

"Oh come on," Ginny said exasperatedly.

"Maybe some other time, just not right now…" Hermione clutched her arm.

"What's it got to do with your arm?" Ginny asked curiously. I saw you look at it this morning too. Ginny reached for her sleeve.

"Ginny stop it," Hermione warned, "Ginny stop!" Hermione yelled as Ginny tried to yank back her sleeve. The weak fabric was tearing. "GINNY QUIT IT," Hermione shouted.

"Why won't you just let me see?" Ginny complained, groaning. The sleeve was close to being torn right off at this point. Hermione struggled against Ginny's grip on her arm. Ginny wrapped her arms around Hermione's waist and picked her up. Squirming, Hermione tried to hit her on the back.

"Hermione from months in the woods you're really nothing more than a skeleton now," Ginny made her way to the stairs. "If you won't tell me, I'll make Ron and Harry spill the beans." Hermione sighed and continued to squirm around. Ginny's shoulder was digging into her hip bone as she carried her like a sack thrown over her shoulder.

"Ginny please don't," Hermione pleaded. But Ginny didn't hear the tears in her voice. Once they were down the stairs, Hermione felt the gazes of everyone in the room. Percy had returned already and was talking to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Harry, Ron, Charlie, and George were all gathered on the couches, watching Ron play Charlie in chess. All of the talking and motion stopped as Ginny plopped Hermione down on the floor.

Ron laughed, "Did you just carry her down the stairs?" Hermione glared at him. Ginny peered back and forth between them.

"Yes I did. Because she won't show me what's on her arm. I know it's got something to do with her nightmares that made her scream all night. Someone better tell me before I finish ripping off her sleeve." Hermione felt her cheeks burn as Ginny spoke.

"Ginny... how could you treat Hermione like that?" Mrs. Weasley began.

"Mum- she was screaming all night. She was writhing in pain and clutching her arm and these three know exactly why. Don't you want to know? Hermione is my best friend. I don't want her to hide this from me." Ginny looked back around at Harry and Ron, "Harry," she began, taking a deep breath, "what happened?"

"I- I'm sorry Ginny. I'm not in the position to tell you. Hermione needs to," Harry stared at Hermione. Ginny turned back towards Hermione and said, "Well…"

"Ginny please…" she pleaded, "just give it a rest." But Ginny was staring intently at her arm. She grabbed it again, Hermione winced.

"Ginny don't," she pulled at Ginny's hand. The room was in shock and no one had calculated what was happening before it was too late. Ginny dug her nails into Hermione's arm. She felt the cuts reopen as her nails pulled away the fabric.

"GINNY, knock it off," Ron growled from the couch, ready to jump up and stop her. But Hermione's arm was exposed already. Ginny dropped the light blue piece of fabric to the ground and covered her mouth with her hands. The word "mudblood" was glistening with fresh blood. The room all caught sight of it.

"Hermione… I'm so sorry," Ginny sobbed, trying to hug her, "I-I didn't know." Hermione covered the word, her hand covered in red. Her vision blurred. Hermione was too weak to yell at Ginny, she was too weak to take in the shocked expressions of everyone around the room. Voices filled her ears.

"Harry, Ron WHAT HAPPENED TO HER," Mr. Weasley's voice was raised. Mrs. Weasley's muffled cries were somewhere to Hermione's left. Percy mumbled about a scar potion and Charlie stared at Hermione blankly. Ginny sobbed on about how sorry she was. Finally Hermione was being sat in a chair, ointments and bandages and hands pressing to the word, over and over. Hands on her face, her hair, her back, her arm, rough hands and soft ones, Ginny's embraces and Mrs. Weasley's mothering strokes of her hair and her face. When the commotion stopped, she picked up words that formed the story around the word. Malfoy Manor and Bellatrix Lestrange filled her head. Ron had his head in his hands. Mr. Weasley was silently crying and Mrs. Weasley was clutching Ginny, both sobbing into each other. George sat by Hermione. He had the whole time. She looked over at him curiously. He hugged her.

"I'm sorry that all we've been grieving for is the deaths. When we should've been grieving for you too," his voice rang steady across the room. Everyone fell silent. Hermione swallowed and nodded her thanks to him. Ron was looking at George with a tortured expression on his face. Hermione couldn't take it anymore. She stood up and walked out of the room. Back to the cot that welcomed her every summer. Back to the destroyed jean jacket that still lay on the floor next to it. Back to where she didn't have to witness the aftermath of the word scrawled onto her skin.

Ginny woke her up for dinner.

"Hermione I can't apologize enough. I am SO sorry that I did that. I had no idea that THAT would be there… I just wanted to be able to comfort you. And you've been through so much. No wonder you had that nightmare. I just hope the potion mum made works. No one will mention anything about your arm okay? Just come eat. It was entirely too easy to lift you over my shoulder before." Ginny cracked a smile. Hermione smiled back.

"I forgive you Ginny." After all, there was really no point in being mad when Ginny felt nothing but pain and sympathy for Hermione.

"Thank you," Ginny sighed with relief. A few moments of silence passed over them before Ginny added in- "Harry and I are… well back together. And I'm back to waiting for you and Ron to get together." Ginny sighed dramatically. "Any day now…"

Hermione slipped on a new shirt that covered her heavily bandaged arm and walked downstairs. She kept to herself and chatted with Percy about the dreamless sleep potion. He seemed to have a lot to say about it and Hermione, who would usually be interested, found herself gazing around the yard at the family. Most were quiet. There was rarely laughter. George was missing and Mrs. Weasley was barely touching her food. That's when Hermione remembered that Fred's funeral was the next day.

The next morning Hermione woke up to the sound of Ginny crying.

"Hermione the dreamless sleep potion didn't work," Ginny said. "I- I was too scared to wake you."

Hermione put her head in her hands and tried to swallow the tears. The dream was worse this time. Bellatrix had killed Ron and Harry in front of her after the torture. Hermione squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block out the images.

Ginny's voice was thick with tears when she spoke, "Fred's funeral begins in half an hour."

The funeral was a blur of tears and hugs. Hermione honestly couldn't recall a single clear detail in her head about anyone's speech. But they were all back at the burrow now. Teddy was the center of attention as Tonk's mother held him. What seemed like hundreds of people were milling about the house, inside and outside. Mrs. Weasley had Ron and Hermione on kitchen duty. They were rolling dough for some kind of pastry. Flour was coating Hermione's sweater, so she took it off. The majority of the people were outside. When the sun finally set entirely everyone besides Ron and Hermione gathered outside to watch the fireworks that George was setting off in Fred's memory. Hermione wiped her face with the back of her hand. She watched Ron's face out of the corner of her eye. The fireworks were glistening in his. He was on the verge of tears. Hermione acted on a whim and pinched some flour in between her fingertips. She threw it at him and watched as it coated his suit jacket and side of his face. He blinked down at her. For about 3 seconds Hermione thought that he might be mad- then he grabbed a handful of flour and dropped it over Hermione's head. Her mouth fell open and she stared at him. Then they were throwing everything. Flour was rising in clouds around them as they tossed it at each other. Hermione shrieked with laughter as a cup of water splashed against the side of her face, followed by more flour. She tossed water back at him and threw an entire bag of flour afterwards. He ran at her, she ran around the table as he pivoted back around to meet her on the other side. Her feet were swept out from under her as she slipped in a puddle of thrown water. Ron caught her by the elbows and tugged her upwards. The laughing and commotion stopped. The world stopped. The fireworks deafening racket had even stopped. Ron brushed a clump of flour off the side of Hermione's face. Hermione reached up to catch his hand in hers. Someone coughed. Both of them jumped out of their skin and stepped away from each other. Mr. Weasley stood at the door.

"Your mum's going to be furious Ron," he said. Hermione blushed scarlet. "Just clean it up," Mr. Weasley turned to leave. Hermione saw the crowd of people outside all looking in the open window and door. She felt the blush creep to her neck. Ron set the broom to sweeping and Hermione started to mop up the flour that coated nearly every surface in the kitchen. Ron grabbed her wrist suddenly. She jumped. The bandage was off of her arm. Ron trailed a finger over the word, sending goosebumps up her arm.

"I'm sorry Hermione," Ron sounded pained. "I know I've said it before, I know we've talked about it- but I just really want you to know how sorry I am,"

"No one has to feel sorry for me," Hermione pulled her arm from his grip gently. "I wish everyone would stop saying that," Hermione turned back to the counters. After several minutes she threw down the rag.

"I've got to go wash up," she left the room. Once she reached the bathroom she peered in the mirror. She had dark circles under her eyes. Her cheek bones were extremely prominent. Her collarbones stuck out in a skeletal way. Her hair was half wet and frizzy, sticking to her face. Hermione cleaned up her dress and skin of flour and let her hair fall down to her shoulders to hide the bones. After, she went up to Ginny's room. She guessed that a few hours had passed when Harry and Ginny came in. Hermione left as Ginny promised that Harry would be out before 11:00 and a request not to tell Ron. The house was quiet. Clinks of dishes being washed filled the house. Hermione slipped out the back door and made her way blindly down the slight slope to the pond. A silhouette was sitting by the water. Hermione eyes weren't adjusted fully, so as she squinted at the figure, she lost her footing and slipped down the slightly muddy bank. She skidded to a halt a few feet away from the figure.

"Hermione?" asked a slightly amused voice.

"Hm, yeah… oh hi Ron, I didn't know you'd be out here." Hermione pulled off her heels and turned to clean her now muddy dress with her wand. Thank god for magic, otherwise this dress would be destroyed.

"You made quite the dramatic entrance," Ron mused.

Hermione sighed… "Yes, heels aren't my strongest area of expertise."

Ron laughed.

"Are you okay, Ron?" Hermione asked after a few moments of silence.

"I've been better," He murmured. "How are you Hermione?"

"Oh just peachy," she sighed. She scooted closer to him. Her elbow jabbed his side.

"Ouch, watch it bony," Ron rubbed his side and laughed.

"Sorry," Hermione muttered. "I'm just a skeleton here and you're making fun of my malnutrition. Honestly Ronald,"

"Hermione I didn't mean it like that-."

"I was just kidding Ron," Hermione peered up at him. She broke the gaze and lay back. And pointing up at the stars she exclaimed "Hurry Ron look, a shooting star." Ron lay back and stared at the flash of light that trailed through the sky until it disappeared.

"Did you make a wish?" Hermione asked.

"Yes," Ron breathed.

Ron's gaze burned into Hermione's face. She turned to look at him. Ron took a deep breath. He looked as if he was trying to muster all the courage he had.

"Hermione… you … and I… we kissed," Ron murmured.

"Yeah," Hermione barely whispered.

"And I just- I thought that you fancied me. I mean. I fancy you. I have- for… nearly as long as I can remember,"

"I fancy you Ron," Hermione sat up and stared at her hands.

"Then why… are you acting like this? I always pictured that after the war if we miraculously both survived, everything would just fall into place. But it hasn't."

"Ron I- I'm so sorry," Hermione cried. She had never expected to hear these words from his mouth. Somehow, they broke her heart and healed it at the same time. "I never thought that this would happen. I never thought that WE would survive and we would lose so many others. I thought that we were going to die… I just can't figure out how to function like this. I don't deserve to be happy while everyone else is mourning. I don't deserve to get to live and have you and get my parents back… I just don't. I was supposed to die at Malfoy Manor. My parents would live happily in Australia, and you would, you would hopefully make it through and find someone that makes you happy and…" Hermione shook with sobs.

"Hermione stop. You know if that happened I would NEVER be happy again. That is not what was supposed to happen and you know it. Dying is just a way out of this. Hermione we lost a lot of people. But every single one of them would want us to be happy. We did it. Harry defeated him. They would want us to celebrate and live…actually live. You just said it yourself. If you died you would want me to be happy and your parents… You can't just make yourself depressed forever," Ron sounded as if he were fighting off tears now as well.

"Hermione," Ron said quieter than before, "Hermione do I make you happy?"

Hermione sniffled, "Yes…"

"Then please, just come here," Ron pleaded. She turned towards him hesitantly. His face was slightly wet with tears. Hermione had her arms wrapped around herself, but Ron pulled them off and wrapped his around her waist. Hermione slouched into him and pressed her face into his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his neck and cried harder. She felt his hands in her hair and on her back and kisses on her head. The feeling was pure bliss. She cried herself dry and pulled back. Ron barely hesitated as he leaned in and tilted his head. As soon as their lips met, Hermione melted. Alarms went off in her head. This was too much happiness to be feeling. It was selfish. But the last thing Hermione wanted to do was pull away. This was the boy she had cried over for years and years. This was him kissing her. She was torn. Finally she pulled back.

"This is selfish," Hermione looked at the ground.

"Hermione," Ron begged, "Ginny and Harry are together. You don't see them feeling guilty and shutting themselves up. My mum and dad have each other… that's the only way they can get through this. We can get through this together too." Ron grabbed her hands. She felt a lump in her throat rise and her eyes burned. There were no tears left. Hermione sniffled and considered the idea. It sounded like the only solution. But her pondering was cut off by the rumble of her stomach. Hermione sat in shock for a second before looking up to meet Ron's gaze. He was trying to repress a grin. Hermione let out a laugh and clutched her stomach.

"Yeah… I skipped dinner." Ron scooped her up and stood up, setting her on her feet again. Hermione stood on her tip toes and looked up at Ron, her arms wrapped around his neck.

"Ron, there's one more thing," she bit her lip, "I think you'll have to be the one to wake me up from my dreams since Ginny is too afraid."

Ron peered down at her in wonder, "Huh- Ginny… afraid? Who would've thought?"

Finally, Hermione tilted her head and pressed her lips against Ron's. She let the happiness fill her up this time. She rejoiced for the first time since the end of the war. She let herself feel joy and she wallowed in it until her stomach gave another grumble of protest.

Author's Note- I hope you enjoyed! I'm not sure if this is a one-shot yet or not. Please leave your thoughts as a review. I would LOVE to hear them! Thank you for reading. Also- I'm from the USA and ask that if you see anything completely going against British terms, please let me know! I would like to respect the writing style and storyline as much as possible in my fics. Xx, Tay


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